


not okay (and not alone)

by renecdote



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Episode: s03e15 Eddie Begins, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Pre-Relationship, Worry, episode coda, hand holding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-31
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:14:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 748
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28446729
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/renecdote/pseuds/renecdote
Summary: Eddie is frowning at him, so damn concerned when he’s the one in a hospital bed, he’s the one everyone is supposed to be concerned about. And Buck—fuck, Buck can’t lie to him.“You scared me.”Set post Eddie Begins.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 10
Kudos: 173





	not okay (and not alone)

**Author's Note:**

> Written for a warm up prompt by brambleberrycottage on tumblr.

His hands won’t stop shaking. Eddie is—not _fine_ , but he’s okay, he’s safe, he’s going to be fine. Buck knows that. Hen and Bobby and Athena and the nurse on duty have all told him that. He can see it for himself, looking into the room, watching Eddie pull Christopher into his lap, chatting with the nurse as she checks his temperature again and shakes out another blanket to warm him up. He’s okay. Buck knows that he’s okay.

So why won’t his hands stop shaking?

He tries wrapping them around a scalding cup of coffee. He tries tucking them under his arms and shoving them in his pockets. He tries escaping to the bathroom and splashing water on his face. He even tries a few breathing exercises he picked up somewhere—not therapy, the internet maybe. There are gifs you can find, soothing patterns of movement to match your breathing to. Buck pulls up one of those but that doesn’t work either.

It’s like his first months on the job all over again—except worse, because it’s Eddie, and it’s not just adrenaline, it’s—

Fear.

Terror.

The heart-wrenching, stomach-churning feeling that Eddie was almost _gone_.

Buck doesn’t want to think about it. (He can’t stop thinking about it.) He wishes his hands would stop shaking.

Eddie looks over and when he sees Buck in the doorway, he gives him a weary smile. He tilts his head, arching his eyebrows, silently asking whether Buck is coming in. Buck slips his hands into his pockets, pushing off the door frame with his shoulder.

“Hey,” he says, standing by the end of the bed. Christopher looks up at the sound of his voice and Buck dredges up a smile for the kid. “Hey, buddy, are you taking good care of you dad?”

Christopher nods seriously. “He’s not good at doing it himself.”

A startled laugh catches in Buck’s chest. He swallows it down before it can become a sob. Eddie is wincing, exchanging a grimace with Buck, because they both know Chris is right. Eddie is terrible at looking after himself, always so eager to put everyone else first. Chris is right there are the top of that list, the rest of the 118 not far behind, but all their calls—especially kids—have a place as well.

“We’ll just have to show him how it’s done,” Buck tells Christopher. He gets a tentative smile in return.

Up close, Eddie looks tired. Not as pale, lips no longer blue, but still cold. He’s hugging Christopher like he needs it for more than just the warmth and when he frees a hand and reaches out for Buck, Buck almost wants to say no. To step back. To leave them in their little bubble, drawing love and comfort from each other.

But Eddie wriggles his fingers, insistent, and like magnetism Buck finds himself stepping forward, grasping Eddie’s hand with one of his own as he sinks into the chair beside the bed.

“You’re shaking,” Eddie murmurs.

Buck shakes his head. He’s not denying it, he can’t, not when the evidence is right there grasped between Eddie’s fingers. He just…doesn’t want Eddie to worry.

 _I’m fine_ , he can’t bring himself to say.

He was going to lie, he was going to say it, but Eddie is frowning at him, so damn concerned when _he’s_ the one in a hospital bed, _he’s_ the one everyone is supposed to be concerned about. And Buck—fuck, Buck can’t lie to him.

“You scared me.”

It’s a whisper. If he speaks any louder, his voice is going to break. And maybe if Christopher wasn’t there, if it was just him and Eddie, he’d let it. But not with Christopher there, watching them through tired, teary eyes. Eddie squeezes Buck’s hand, like he gets it.

“I’m okay,” he says.

He doesn’t say sorry. Buck isn’t sure that he wants him to. He knows why Eddie cut his line. He knows he would have done exactly the same thing. And what happened after—that wasn’t Eddie’s fault.

“Don’t do it again,” Buck says anyway.

Eddie’s lips twitch. It’s not a smile, it’s much too sad for that. He can’t make a promise like that and they both know it. But Christopher is there, clingy and listening, so they’re not going to argue. Eddie squeezes Buck’s hand again and says, “I’ll do my best.”

It’s not a promise, but Buck is going to hold him to it anyway.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Kudos and comments are love 💛 You can also find me on tumblr [here](https://renecdote.tumblr.com/).


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